Official jokes thread
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a very pissed off guy walks into a bar and asks for 5 shots of jack. the bartender confused asks why so many to start off... he goes 'well i just found out my son is gay.' so the bartender says oh rough and gives him the 5 shots and he downs htem like a champ.
the next day the very same man walks in and asks for 10 shots of jack, and the bartender again asks why so many. 'i just found out my brother was gay'. oh says the bartender, i'd take this many shots to i guess.
the next days the very same man asks for 20 shots of jack. and the bartender says'jesus man, doesn't anybody in your family like women?'
and the guy goes 'apparently my wife does.'
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THIS IS GOSPHEL I SWEAR!!!!!!!!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed
itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting
and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the
background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm
thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't
work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it
is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance .
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep
3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2
However , be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens,
the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With
Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will
cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support -
**<u>A Young Couple Caught Short In The Cinema </u> **
There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead." -
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
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heh i read that a while ago.
i heard this one earlier today...
3 sugerons were shootin the shit one day braggin about what they've repaired.
The first one says 'i had this girl 3 fingers chopped off, i sewed them back together and now she's a world class pianist'
The second one goes ' thats nothin, i had re attached some guys amputated leg and now hes a gold medal sprinter'
The 3rd one laughs and goes ' you're both a couple of amatuers, I put together both a cowboy and a jackass that got hit together by a train and now he's our president'
i chuckled at it, cause it was stupid
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God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't
need
you anymore.Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In
other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'.""Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the
likeness
of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.""Well, that's interesting. show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,( I love this )
"Get your own dirt."
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MY FIRST CONDOM
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went into a
drugstore to buy a package of condoms.
There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that
I
was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to
wear
one. I honestly answered, "No." So she unwrapped the package, took
one
out and
slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on
tight
and
secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around
the store. It was empty.
She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking
my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and
removed
it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these
excite
you?" Well! , I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my
head.
She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it
on,
she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on," she insisted, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could
nolonger hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I replied, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her -
George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it.
Curious, Bush asks the girl, "What's in the basket?"
She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show him.
"How nice," says Bush. "What kind are they?"
The little girl says, "Republicans."
Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.
Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says, "Watch this, Karl, it's real cute." They approach the little girl.
Bush greets her and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Fine."
Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?"
She replies, "Democrats."
Aghast, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!"
I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open."
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up
a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will probably never be able to support you.Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink .How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up
the required pressure.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. -
[FONT=Arial]My wife left me... [/FONT][FONT=Arial] [/FONT]
[COLOR=navy][FONT=Arial][/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial]I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" [/FONT][FONT=Arial] [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial]She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." [/FONT][FONT=Arial] [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial]I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" I don't think she'll be back...[/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial]WHY AM I MARRIED?[/FONT][FONT=Arial]
**You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I
Married the wrong man."A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine!"When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let
Her keep him.A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a man
Doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens
In every country, son."Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then,
It was too late."Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
You say -- talk in your sleep.Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
They had no faults at all.First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to
Forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray
For Strength, I'll just beat him to death.AND NOW! FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop w ith their nine children. A
Blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find
It overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto
The bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
Husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he
Taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of
Rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
Stick, we'd be riding the bus ... So shut the hell up."**[/FONT]
[COLOR=black][FONT=Helvetica]
[/COLOR][/FONT] -
A blond is driving a brand new sports car, and cuts a guy off. The guy gets her pulled over, and yells at her to get out of the car. She gets out and they just start arguing. They guy notices she is blond, so he thinks maybe he can play with her. He tells her to come back to his car, and he draws a chalk circle on the ground, tells her to stay in the circle. He then gets a bat out of his trunk, and starts beating on the car. He turns around and the blond is smiling. He becomes more frustrated, and starts smashing windows and denting the car more. He turns around and the blond is laughing. He starts smashing everythign that is left, and the car is pretty much totaled. He walkes over to the blond, who is now on the ground rolling around laughing. He askes her what her problem is and she stands up and says
While you were hitting my car, I stepped out of the circle 3 times
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True Medical Stories...
- A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
- At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
- One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada< /B>
- During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
- While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
- I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
- A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
- As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name.
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Telemarketer call...
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer?" Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who was calling. The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears", I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case. I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody .
At that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.
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