Official jokes thread
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For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or
anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
This leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.This leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state
governments.And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
That leaves 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and I.
And there you are sitting on your ass,
at your computer, reading jokes.Nice. Real nice.
NOW GET OFF YOUR ASS!!! IT"S YOUR TURN!!!! -
When a young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is
the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."
"Then ask yoursister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
University! "The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would y! ou sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE
Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course" the brother replied. "Do
you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his
dad his father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three
Million Dollars.............. But realistically, we're living with
two sluts and a queer. -
WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............
-
WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
-
WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR
BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND. -
WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND
HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO. -
IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A
HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.
5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM
SOOOOO MUCH.-
WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW
SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!" -
WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.
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WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
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WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US
JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE
THE GIN. -
WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE
KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?) -
WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.
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WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT
WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
SEND THIS ALONG TO ALL THE GIRLS YOU KNOW WHO LIKE TO HAVE FUN.
MAKE THEM LAUGH AT THEMSELVES LIKE YOU PROBABLY DID....
SADLY, MANY ARE TRUE!! -
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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window
onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in
the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly
continue to feed her family now?In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began
to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents and the cow dead, and he
decided to go down to the river and drown himself.When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you
will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your
parents and the cow to you."The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to
satisfy her again.
So the mermaid drowned him in the river.Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row,
I will make everything right."And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to
satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the
field, and his brothers gone.He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river
to throw himself in.
And there he also met the Mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you
will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.
Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not
THIRTY times in a row?"Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect
health."Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a
row won't kill you like it did the cow?" -
A little old couple prepare to go to bed. They no sooner hit the
pillows than the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife
rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man
replied, "Its fart Rugby."A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Try and
conversion, 7 points each". After about five minutes the old man lets
another one go and says, "Penalty 10 to 7." Not to be outdone, the
wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each." Five seconds
go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal,
I lead 13 to 10."Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a
woman; so, he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat
is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and
accidentally he craps in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was
that?" The old man says, "Half time, change sides." -
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer. Bitch!
-
An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The
welfare officer asks her how many children she has?"Ten boys."
"And their names?"
"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy,
and Leroy.""All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"
"That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just
yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I
just yells 'LEROY!'""What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"
"Then I calls him by his last name."
-
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back."
That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table."And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I look forward to
introducing you to right after dinner." The teacher fainted -
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders 3 shots and
while he's drinking the monkey slams the other two and starts jumping
all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats
them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it
whole.The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"
replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his
bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has
his monkey with him. This time he orders 2 drinks and the monkey slams
both shots and again starts running around the bar again.The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks
it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out
and ate it!" says the barkeeper."Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he
checks everything for size" -
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor
of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she
encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the
woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she
was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the
splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then
told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help
her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well,
I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest
Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth
timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down." -
it finally came about that Eugene would take his woman on holiday and headed
off to the USA ... after the long journey they finally arrived at The
New England Hotel in Rochester to be greeted by the lobby clerk, Doug ...
Doug gave them the usual friendly American welcome then invited them to sign
into the hotel, 'how may nights are you staying'? enquired Doug ... now
Eugenes' woman being a bit deaf, and why not after all those years with him,
said, 'what did he say'? ... 'he's just asking how long we're staying
for' replied Eugene ..... then Doug further enquiring, 'will that be
a double or twin beds sir' ... again, Eugenes' woman, 'what did he say'?
.... 'he's asking what size beds we need,' says Eugene now getting a bit
irritated! ... and Doug finally asks, 'what country are you from'?
.... 'Serth Efrika' came Eugene .... Doug again, 'ah, South
Africa, what a beautiful place but I have to tell you sir, I had the worst
shag in me life there with the ugliest, nastiest, smelly woman I ever come
across on this gods' earth'! ... still not hearing well Eugenes'
woman, 'what did he say'? ..... Eugene turned around to his woman
and said, 'he thinks he knows you'! -
So theres a husband and wife that want to be accepted into the catholic church, so one day they decide to go and talk to the priest and see what it takes to be accepted, the priest says, "well in order to be accepted you two cant have sex for one month, after that you two are in forever, so after that the two agree and decide to come back after a week. So after a weekt they go back to the church and the priest asked them how it was going after the week, the husband said "it has been pretty good, i have been inside the house doing paper work and my wife has been outside gardening most of the time. The priest says ok and tells them to come back in another week, so the week goes by and the couple come back to the church the priest asks them how it has been going now and the husband says, "well its getting tuffer shes working at home and im mostley working late so we hardley even get to see eachother, but we are going to keep at it, so the priest says ok and send them on there ways for one more week. The week goes by the the couple come back again, and right away the husband says, "sorry father we just couldnt take it anymore. You see she was just standing there looking all hot and sexy, and she dropped a head of lettuce and i just had to have her right there. So the priest says well im sorry but you two arent allowed in the catholic church, the husbands says, "yeah were not allowed in hugos anymore either".
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates."In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess
something
that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said."You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"The man replied, "These are Carols."
-
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when
you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy.." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine
Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer
to do anything."- U.S. Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -
Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am
at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating
base
Kadena, Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight."
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row
is prevarication."
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you."- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum."- Jon McBride, astronaut
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible."- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near
the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance
of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power
to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off
the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to
Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot) -
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older
priest to sit in on his sessions.The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him
to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest
says "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one
hand.....and try saying things like....."Yes, I see" and "Yes, go on" and"
I understand."The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats
all the suggested remarks to the old priest. Then the old priest says,
"Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and
saying, "No shit.....what happened next??" -
A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!! It explains
things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country
protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of
illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect
its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and,
once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the
thinking behind these protests.Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in
your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I've made all the beds
and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done
all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except
for when I broke into your house).According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add
me to your family's insurance plan, educate my kids, and provide other
benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work
because he too is hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in
part).If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who
will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there.It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and
I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hard-working and honest, um, except
for well, you know.And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a
fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it
without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an
anti-housebreaker. Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you
can communicate with me.Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America. If you
agree, pass it on (in English). Share it if you see the value of it as a
good smile. If not blow it off, along with your future Social Security
funds.
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