Official jokes thread

[LivinLow]

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK

1 "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2 "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
3 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
4 "Amen"
5 "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
6 "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
7 "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
8 "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
9 "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

[LivinLow]

10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer

• 10. The monitor is up on blocks.
• 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
• 8. The six front keys have rotted out.
• 7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
• 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
• 5. The password is "Bubba".
• 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
• 3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
• 2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...

• 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

[LivinLow]

TOP TEN REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN RELIGION

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
11. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
12. Beer has never caused a major war.
13. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
14. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
15. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
16. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
17. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
18. You can prove you have a Beer.
19. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.

[thurmanmerman]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and
sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

[weshole]

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom where his mom is taking a shower. Always inquisitive, he asks his mom... "whats that furry thing down there?" She replies; "It's my sponge Johnny". Johnny quickly replies; "Oh ya, aunty has one too and dad used it to clean his face".

[D S ohM]

^Always a classic!!!

[CombustionReaction]

Cat Falls into a pool, a rooster laughs. Moral of the story a wet pussy makes a cock happy.

[Bookem]

Hold on to your Minnesota Quarters: They may be worth more than $0.25. The U.S. mint announced today that they are recalling all Minnesota Quarters that are part of it's program featuring a quarter from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the quarter will not work in parking meters, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices. The problem lies in the unique design in the Minnesota quarter, which was designed by Norwegian specialists. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel keeps jamming up the machines.

[XJHEAD]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to
exchange, so I went to
the Currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line. Just one
lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen
for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I
get two hunat
dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it
change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

[JN210]

lol^

An indian needs to take a shit and has no toilet paper. He goes to the 24-7 and goes in and asks the clerk "You have toilet paper?" the clerk nods and leads the indian to the back of the store..."What is a cheap kind you got?" asks the indian The clerks points to some Toilet paper that is $1.00 the indian counts his money and has .50 he skakes his head and says "too much" after going through everything else the clerk says "Well we do have some extremely cheap unnamed brand...." "how much?" asks the indian ".50 for 5 rolls" answers the clerk "I take it" replies the indian. He goes home and takes a shit. a couple days later he comes back...."I have name for unnamed brand" The same clerk is there so he says "Oh yeah? and whats that?" "John wayne toilet paper" "and why is that?" asks the clerk "Becuase it's rough tough and takes no shit from indians" answers the indian

[amicheze]

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

         The Manager says, "Do you have any sales  experience?"

         The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota "

         Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

         His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

         The kid says, "One."

         The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

         The kid says "$101,237.65."

         The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

         The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going

fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

         The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK???!!!"

         The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........"

[LivinLow]

^^lmao

[LivinLow]

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

[Bookem]

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner. "Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.

"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven.

"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"

[Guest]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."

[weshole]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that...Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."

[weshole]

An oriental lady farts furing sex........

She says...Oh meeee sooooo sorry.

Front hole sooo happy, Make back hole laugh out loud.

[Bookem]

Tequila Christmas Cake
Ingredients:

2 cups flour
1 stick butter
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

Bingle Jells!

[weshole]

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa

---

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

---

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa

---

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa

---

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa

---

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table! Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

---

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

---

Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

---

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa

[XJHEAD]

Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - Fireman, Truck Driver, Salesman, etc.
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good,
he'll go out to the alley with some guy for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by his statement immediately changed the
subject and hurriedly set the other children to work on a coloring
project.

She then took Little Johnny aside and asked him, "Is that really true
about your father?"

No," said Johnny. "He's plays football for the Minnesota Vikings, but
I was just too embarrassed to say that."