Official jokes thread

[SPANISH-RICE]

Stärke;280628 wrote:
Science is wrong

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fense. Actually, I got
the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
fence works.

One day I''m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp
bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I
knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as
though I hadn''t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I''m standing there, I''ve got the running lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I
notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears
curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the
backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I
could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting
over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time.
I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you''re all leaned back and
BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were
minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like
exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I''m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down
so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let
go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through
the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I''m thinking I''m
going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of
gas.

''Damn!,'' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think ''Oh **** please
die... pleeeeze die''. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle
nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for
the go command from its owner''s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging **** to kill me. **** did not
take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in
the misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don''t know how I got loose from the wire.... I
woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out
of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two
large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long
skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still
holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting
thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically
induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not
smell as bad as
you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I
think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was
better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while
thinking of the
number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check
to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come
over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to
him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds
me to triple check before I mow.

omg, holy shit. i cried i laughed so hard at this. i can still barely breathe.. YES

[95accord]

So there was a woman that was pregnant with triplets. She went into her bank to withdraw some money and the bank gets robbed, she tries to escape but the robber shots 3 times. The woman was rushed to the er and after she comes to the dr. tells her that she was shot 3 time in the belly and all 3 of the children were hit with a bullet, but they all survived but they could not remove the bullets from them due to there positions, dr says they will be fine with it and they will loose the bullets years down the road.
about 13 years later her first son comes in from playin outside and finds his mom in the kitchen and say "hey mom guess what happend to me today" she says "whats that"? he replies "i took a shit and there was a bullet in it". the mother is very excited that her first son is ok.
second son comes home from school and say "hey mom guess what happend to me today" and she says "whats that" he replies " i took a shit and there was a bullet in it" yet again she gets very excited 2 of her sons are gonna be ok.
third son comes home later that night and say "hey mom guess what happend to me today"
she says "you took a shit and there was a bullet in it?" he say "No, i was jackin off and i shot the dog".

[Stärke]

When I got back from Michigan last month, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency Exchange Window at the local bank. Short line.

Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange Yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla of Yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[thurmanmerman]

How do you know if your gf is too young?

You have to make airplane noises to stick your dick in her mouth

[Trafik Jamz]

Have you ever wondered about the difference between...
Grandmothers & Grandfathers?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old Granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his Granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter
out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it....

[Stärke]

Q. What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?

A. Hose A and Hose B

[Trafik Jamz]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Russell, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Russell and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? "He said, "Russell snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing-hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! ;He said, 'Man, that Russell shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night. "

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Russell into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Russell sat up and watched me all night!

[JN210]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a mineshaft in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and heave it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this mineshaft here!"
And the old farmer said... "Why, that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

[RidinRails]

#1. A vampire goes into a bar and asks for a hot cup of water, the bartender says "i thought vampires only drank blood?" The vampire pulled out a tampon and said "i'm having tea"

#2. A boy see's his grandma naked and asks "whats that"
Grandma - "its my beaver"
Boy - "is it dead"
Grandma - Why?
Boy - "cuz its tongue is stickin out!"

[Stärke]

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?”

The programmer said, “Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.”

[Stärke]

Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

[95accord]

There was a mexican, asian, and a white guy working construction on the high steel. Lunch time came,
mexican says, if i get tacos again tomarrow im jumpin off and killing myself.
asian says, oh man rice again, if i get it again tomarrow im jumpin off and killing myself.
white guy opens his lunch and says damn it bologna again, if i get bolonga again tomarrow im gonna jump off and killmyself.

Next day comes and lunch time rolls around
mexican, damn..tacos again alright thats it....and jumps off...dead
asian, son of a bitch...rice again...thats it for me too.....jumps off...dead
white guy, fuck....bologna again....jumps off....dead

Funeral was acouple days later and all three of the wifes were there togeter

mexicans wife said while crying...if i would have known he didnt like tacos i wouldnt have made them for him.
asians wife says while crying...if i would have know he didnt like rice that much i wouldnt have made it for him.
white guys wife just stands over him and looks....the other wifes look at the white chick while sobbing....she says what....he packed his own lunch

[Stärke]

Employee of the year

---

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big
everything-under one-roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin .'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
customers a
day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for
his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

[Stärke]

An old Pilot sat down at the Mug and Bean and ordered a cup of coffee. (Wearing his wings badge on his shirt)
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[kylush]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b###### would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[Grr]

Fuckin Obamopoly is funny as hell

[Trafik Jamz]

^^I can't believe that boardgame missed MSNBC....much more liberal than regular NBC even. So far left I can't even watch it.

[weshole]

A guy walks into a department store and asks one of the cashiers where the tampons are because his wife sent him to get some. She kindly points him in the right direction and he proceeds down said isle.

A few minutes later, he rolls up on the checkout counter with a bag of cotton balls and a roll of string. The lady gave him a dumbfounded look and asked; "I thought you wanted to buy your wife tampons?"

He replied... "It's like this. I sent her to the store to get me cigarettes and she comes home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper because "it's so much cheaper". "So, I figured.... If I have to roll my own, so does she."

[Stärke]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

[Stärke]

I got a nephew that I think a lot of
who works for this oil company,
and about four years ago they moved
him down to South America
and I ain’t seen him since.

But he still thinks about me and ma Crabapple.
Every Christmas he sends us a nice present.
This past Christmas he sent us a live bird,
a green bird about this tall with a
little yellow top notch on his head and
some red on it with a hooked beak
and sent it to us live from South America.

I’ll tell you something, that bird was delicious.

Yes sir.

We had him for Christmas dinner.

We fixed him with dressing and
had some cranberry sauce
and sweet potato stuffing.

Well, after Christmas my nephew called and
wanted to know if we got the bird.

I said; "We got him." and
he asked how we liked him.

I said; "He was delicious." and
he said; "You don’t mean that you ate him!"

I said; "Of course we did."

My nephew got all upset and pitched a fit.
He said; "I paid a fortune for that bird."
He said; "That thing is worth a fortune."
He said; "That bird could speak two different languages."

I said; " Well..., he should have said something."