Official jokes thread

[Grr]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A quart of orange juice
A half gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A head of Romaine lettuce
A 2 LB can of coffee
and 1 LB of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well! , you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

And the drunk replied,
"Cause you're ugly"

[Grr]

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees
always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right
handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there,but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late.
You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or
left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every
Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On
her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I
golf right handed."

"Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is laying
on her back?"

George replies, "Then I am 6 minutes late."

[Grr]

A man and his wife playing golf when on the 4th hole the man hits his ball into a sandtrap. The man walks over to his ball and to his surprise there is a genie lamp sitting in the sandtrap. The man picks up the genie lamp and a genie appears. The genie says to the man "I am the genie of the golfing gods. I will grant you 3 wishes, but be fore warned that any wish you receive your wife will receive double the wish." The man reply " I am fine with that." The man says to the genie '' For my first wish i wish to lower my handicap by 8 strokes." the genie agrees and poof the man now is a 4 handicap, but his wife is now a scratch golf. "for my next wish i wish for $10 million in cash" and the genie agrees, and poof the man has 10 million in cash right in front of him, but the wife now has 20 million.. " and for my third wish" the man says holding his putter " I want you to take this club and beat me half to death with it"

[Grr]

A liittle boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and

noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, 'Maybe you should wear your pants on backwards instead of your
collar.'

[Trafik Jamz]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

---

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

---

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

---

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

---

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

---

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

---

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

---

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

---

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : ! No, sir. It's the same dog.

---

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

---

[ichibankilla]

^^^^HAhaha. Now that's something you don't see everyday, funny clean jokes.

[Trafik Jamz]

I like the last one the best

[weeman]

this guy comes running home to tell his wife that he had just won the lottery, honney honney i just won the lottery start packing. the wife says i dont know what to pack what should i pack. the husband says back i dont know but just hurry and get the fuck out!

[thurmanmerman]

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby and, ufortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be FUCKED if he needed glasses'

[JN210]

What did the circular hole say to the square?

you better shape up if you want to fit in!!!! EL OH EL

I was bored at mayo and came up with that...not bad for creating a joke.

[Stärke]

Science is wrong

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fense. Actually, I got
the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
fence works.

One day I''m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp
bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I
knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as
though I hadn''t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I''m standing there, I''ve got the running lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I
notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears
curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the
backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I
could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting
over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time.
I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you''re all leaned back and
BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were
minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like
exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I''m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down
so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let
go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through
the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I''m thinking I''m
going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of
gas.

''Damn!,'' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think ''Oh **** please
die... pleeeeze die''. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle
nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for
the go command from its owner''s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging **** to kill me. **** did not
take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in
the misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don''t know how I got loose from the wire.... I
woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out
of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two
large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long
skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still
holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting
thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically
induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not
smell as bad as
you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I
think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was
better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while
thinking of the
number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check
to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come
over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to
him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds
me to triple check before I mow.

[SPANISH-RICE]

Stärke;280628 wrote:
Science is wrong

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fense. Actually, I got
the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
fence works.

One day I''m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp
bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I
knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as
though I hadn''t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I''m standing there, I''ve got the running lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I
notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears
curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the
backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I
could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting
over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time.
I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you''re all leaned back and
BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were
minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like
exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I''m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down
so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let
go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through
the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I''m thinking I''m
going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of
gas.

''Damn!,'' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think ''Oh **** please
die... pleeeeze die''. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle
nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for
the go command from its owner''s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging **** to kill me. **** did not
take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in
the misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don''t know how I got loose from the wire.... I
woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out
of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two
large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long
skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still
holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting
thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically
induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not
smell as bad as
you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I
think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was
better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while
thinking of the
number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check
to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come
over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to
him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds
me to triple check before I mow.

omg, holy shit. i cried i laughed so hard at this. i can still barely breathe.. YES

[95accord]

So there was a woman that was pregnant with triplets. She went into her bank to withdraw some money and the bank gets robbed, she tries to escape but the robber shots 3 times. The woman was rushed to the er and after she comes to the dr. tells her that she was shot 3 time in the belly and all 3 of the children were hit with a bullet, but they all survived but they could not remove the bullets from them due to there positions, dr says they will be fine with it and they will loose the bullets years down the road.
about 13 years later her first son comes in from playin outside and finds his mom in the kitchen and say "hey mom guess what happend to me today" she says "whats that"? he replies "i took a shit and there was a bullet in it". the mother is very excited that her first son is ok.
second son comes home from school and say "hey mom guess what happend to me today" and she says "whats that" he replies " i took a shit and there was a bullet in it" yet again she gets very excited 2 of her sons are gonna be ok.
third son comes home later that night and say "hey mom guess what happend to me today"
she says "you took a shit and there was a bullet in it?" he say "No, i was jackin off and i shot the dog".

[Stärke]

When I got back from Michigan last month, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency Exchange Window at the local bank. Short line.

Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange Yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla of Yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[thurmanmerman]

How do you know if your gf is too young?

You have to make airplane noises to stick your dick in her mouth

[Trafik Jamz]

Have you ever wondered about the difference between...
Grandmothers & Grandfathers?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old Granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his Granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter
out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it....

[Stärke]

Q. What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?

A. Hose A and Hose B

[Trafik Jamz]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Russell, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Russell and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? "He said, "Russell snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing-hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! ;He said, 'Man, that Russell shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night. "

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Russell into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Russell sat up and watched me all night!

[JN210]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a mineshaft in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and heave it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this mineshaft here!"
And the old farmer said... "Why, that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

[RidinRails]

#1. A vampire goes into a bar and asks for a hot cup of water, the bartender says "i thought vampires only drank blood?" The vampire pulled out a tampon and said "i'm having tea"

#2. A boy see's his grandma naked and asks "whats that"
Grandma - "its my beaver"
Boy - "is it dead"
Grandma - Why?
Boy - "cuz its tongue is stickin out!"