Guess who

[Bryce]

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE

LAW ENFORCEMENT

I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence
of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended
for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

MILITARY

I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug
test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air
National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

COLLEGE

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in
Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in
Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought
the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using
taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry,
including Enron CEO Ken Lay, I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas
the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los
Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the
Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money. I set the record for
the most executions by any governor in American history. With the help of my
brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme
Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT

I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal
record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one
billion dollars per week. I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted
the U.S. Treasury. I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in
U.S. history. I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in
any 12-month period. I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a
12-month period. I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history
of the U.S. stock market.

In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that
trend continues every month.
I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration
in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleezza Rice, had a Chevron oil
tanker named after her. I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips
by a U.S. President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for
receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign
contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest
corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my
success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision. I have
protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or
prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky
affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip- offs
in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to
intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed. I presided
over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history. I changed the U.S. policy to
allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts. I appointed more
convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history. I
created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the
history of the United States' government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history. I
am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the
U.S. from the Human Rights Commission. I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court
of Law. I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war"
detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention. I am the
first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during
the 2002 U.S. election). I set the record for fewest numbers of press
conferences of any President since the advent of television. I set the all-time
record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the
entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in US.
history. I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center
attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the
world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously
protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for
protests against any person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive
attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the
will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world
community. I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut
in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families-in-wartime. In my
State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and
then blamed the lies on our British friends. I am the first President in
history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest
threat to world peace and security. I am supporting development of a nuclear
"Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to
bring Osama Bin Laden [sic] to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library,
sealed and unavailable for public view. All records of SEC investigations into
my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and
unavailable for public view. All records regarding public energy policy are
sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

I am a member of the Republican Party.

[925JL925]

George Bush?

[HandoEX]

Eddie Murphy?

[JoKeR]

Dave Chappelle?

[KA-T_240]

your mom?