Official jokes thread
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There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
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LOL @ that last one...
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This little girl and her mom were walking through Central Park one day, and suddenly came upon a couple seriously making out on a bench. This was new to the little girl.
She asked, "Mom, what are those people doing?"
The mom who was caught off guard, and not knowing what to say, said:
"Well, honey... they are umm....well, making cake."
The girl looked down acceptedly and just said, "Oh, ok."
Later on that night, the woman and her daughter were watching TV with her husband. Flipping channels, they came accross some pretty explicit action going on on a risque channel. Before they could change it fast enough, the girl asked what the couple was doing. Again, the mother said,
"They're making cake, honey."
Again, the girl said, "Oh, ok."
Two days later, the girl came into the kitchen while her mom was cooking dinner. Excitedly, she asked her mom,
"Hey mommy? Were you and daddy making cake on the couch last night?"
Shocked, her mom turned to her.
"Well... yes honey, we were. Why on earth do you ask?"
Smiling, the little girl said, "Because I licked the icing off of the couch!"
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Im sorry, I have to post it. Dont be offended:
A FATHER WATCHED HIS YOUNG DAUGHTER PLAYING IN THE GARDEN. HE SMILED AS HE REFLECTED ON HOW SWEET AND PURE HIS LITTLE GIRL WAS. TEARS FORMED IN HIS EYES AS HE THOUGHT ABOUT HER SEEING THE WONDERS OF NATURE THROUGH SUCH INNOCENT EYES. SUDDENLY SHE JUST STOPPED AND STARED AT THE GROUND.
HE WENT OVER TO HER TO SEE WHAT WORK OF GOD HAD CAPTURED HER ATTENTION.
HE NOTICED SHE WAS LOOKING AT TWO SPIDERS MATING.
"DADDY, WHAT ARE THOSE TWO SPIDERS DOING?" SHE ASKED. "THEY'RE MATING" HER FATHER REPLIED.
"WHAT DO YOU CALL THE SPIDER ON TOP?"SHE ASKED.
"THAT'S A DADDY LONGLEGS"HER FATHER ANSWERED.
"SO, THE OTHER ONE IS A MOMMY LONGLEGS?"THE LITTLE GIRL ASKED.
AS HIS HEART SOARED WITH THE JOY OF SUCH A CUTE AND INNOCENT QUESTION HE REPLIED "NO DEAR. BOTH OF THEM ARE DADDY LONGLEGS."
THE LITTLE GIRL, LOOKING A LITTLE PUZZLED THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT....THEN TOOK HER FOOT AND STOMPED THEM FLAT AND SAID, "WELL WE'RE NOT HAVING ANY OF THAT GAY SHIT IN OUR GARDEN." -
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
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A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So .. what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years ... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said , "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for . . a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the Stupid map again.
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A blonde is driving down the road she sees a cop flashing his lights behind her. She pulls over. The cop comes up to her window and the blonde realizes that the cop is a blonde too. The cop says I need your driver's license and the blonde says, "What does it look like?" the cop replies, "It's square and has your picture on it." so the blonde searches through her purse and finds a mirror looks at it then gives it to the cop. The cop says, "Oh, ok I'm sorry I didn't know you were a cop too."
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$68,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"
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An elderly American gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible, American always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to." -
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or
anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
This leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.This leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state
governments.And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
That leaves 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and I.
And there you are sitting on your ass,
at your computer, reading jokes.Nice. Real nice.
NOW GET OFF YOUR ASS!!! IT"S YOUR TURN!!!! -
When a young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is
the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."
"Then ask yoursister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
University! "The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would y! ou sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE
Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course" the brother replied. "Do
you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his
dad his father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three
Million Dollars.............. But realistically, we're living with
two sluts and a queer. -
WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............
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WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
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WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR
BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND. -
WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND
HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO. -
IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A
HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.
5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM
SOOOOO MUCH.-
WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW
SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!" -
WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.
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WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
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WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US
JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE
THE GIN. -
WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE
KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?) -
WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.
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WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT
WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
SEND THIS ALONG TO ALL THE GIRLS YOU KNOW WHO LIKE TO HAVE FUN.
MAKE THEM LAUGH AT THEMSELVES LIKE YOU PROBABLY DID....
SADLY, MANY ARE TRUE!! -
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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window
onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in
the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly
continue to feed her family now?In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began
to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents and the cow dead, and he
decided to go down to the river and drown himself.When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you
will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your
parents and the cow to you."The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to
satisfy her again.
So the mermaid drowned him in the river.Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row,
I will make everything right."And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to
satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the
field, and his brothers gone.He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river
to throw himself in.
And there he also met the Mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you
will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.
Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not
THIRTY times in a row?"Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect
health."Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a
row won't kill you like it did the cow?" -
A little old couple prepare to go to bed. They no sooner hit the
pillows than the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife
rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man
replied, "Its fart Rugby."A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Try and
conversion, 7 points each". After about five minutes the old man lets
another one go and says, "Penalty 10 to 7." Not to be outdone, the
wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each." Five seconds
go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal,
I lead 13 to 10."Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a
woman; so, he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat
is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and
accidentally he craps in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was
that?" The old man says, "Half time, change sides."
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