Official jokes thread

[StangerBanger96]

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

[weshole]

So a husband and wife are in bed one night. The husband decides hes feeling a bit freaky and asks the wife... "Can I cum in your ear?" She looks at him with a shocked look and says.. "hell no, I'll go deaf!!" He quickly replies..."That's funny, I've cum in your mouth multiple times and you have yet to shut the fuck up!!"

[Guest]

This post is deleted!

[XJHEAD]

What does a kiss taste like?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, 'Do you know what it is? No, I don't,' said the little boy. Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work. Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, 'Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass.

[Guest]

Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our
resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved
in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people
with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

[Guest]

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, low and behold, he lost
his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make
his way home, but was stopped by a Mexican Customs Agent at the Tijuana border

'May I see your identification, por favor, señor?' asked the agent.

'I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,' replied the guy.

'Si, amigo, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border,' said the
agent.

'But I can prove that I'm an American!' he exclaimed. 'I have a picture of Bill
Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary Clinton tattooed on
the other.'

'This I must see,' replied the agent. With that, the American dropped his pants
and bent over in front of the agent.

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you're right!' exclaimed the agent. 'Have a safe trip
back to Chicago '

'Thanks!' he said. 'But why do you think I'm from Chicago ?'

The agent replied, 'I recognized Barack Obama in the middle.

[weshole]

Lmao!!!! Rofl!!!!

[Guest]

this is a little late but funny anyway:

Twas the Night Before Elections . . .

Twas the night before elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down!

I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
Tired of political crap.

When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out of my window
Saw Obama and his boys

They had come for my wallet*
They wanted my pay*
To give to the others*
Who had not worked a day!*

He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink

He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!

On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi'
He screamed at the pairs!

They took off for his cause
And as he flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!

So I leave you to think
On this one final note-
IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!

[capitlj]

Redneck love poem
Susie Lee done fell in love,
she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
she told her pappy so.
Pappy told her "Susie gal, you'll have to find another.
I'd jus' as soon yo' Ma don't know, but Joe is yo' half brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this, he said, "There's trouble still".
"You can't marry Will, my gal. and please don't tell yo' mother.
But Will and Joe, and several mo, is yo' half brother."
But Mama knew and said, "My child, Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will, or marry Joe: you ain't no kin to Pappy."

[fdfreak]

Whats the difference between jam and marmalade?

You cant marmalade you cock down your girlfriends throat

[Slowica]

Wtf lol

[XJHEAD]

A crusty old Master Sergeant found himself at a gala event hosted by
a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sarge, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something
bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Master Sergeant just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
"relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Master Sergeant, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope
not, it's only 2130 now."

[XJHEAD]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and

HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be >

beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for

evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist

prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous

skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had

obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't

want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there

is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took

the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also

worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50%

because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

[Stärke]

Billy was walking down the hallway and hears a commotion coming from his parents room. He opens the door to his father wearing only chaps and mother wearing a cheerleading outfit with no underwear and they are wildly going at it.

He said, "Daddy, what is going on?!" Dad said, "Don't worry, daddy will tuck you in when we're finished!"

Twenty minutes later the dad hears screaming from Billy's bedroom and opens the door to his kid having sex with his grandmother. Dad said, "Billy, what are your doing?!"

Billy said, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?!"

[Trafik Jamz]

WAL-MART INTERVIEW

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one

question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the Interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked The second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very Popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was

contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture

the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had Found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious To me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE

LIGHT, I had already messed my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!

[JN210]

WTF REALLY?!? lol, that is awesome!...congrats bubba!!

[D S ohM]

LMAO. Nice one Chuck!

[Grr]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A quart of orange juice
A half gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A head of Romaine lettuce
A 2 LB can of coffee
and 1 LB of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well! , you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

And the drunk replied,
"Cause you're ugly"

[Grr]

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees
always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right
handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there,but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late.
You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or
left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every
Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On
her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I
golf right handed."

"Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is laying
on her back?"

George replies, "Then I am 6 minutes late."

[Grr]

A man and his wife playing golf when on the 4th hole the man hits his ball into a sandtrap. The man walks over to his ball and to his surprise there is a genie lamp sitting in the sandtrap. The man picks up the genie lamp and a genie appears. The genie says to the man "I am the genie of the golfing gods. I will grant you 3 wishes, but be fore warned that any wish you receive your wife will receive double the wish." The man reply " I am fine with that." The man says to the genie '' For my first wish i wish to lower my handicap by 8 strokes." the genie agrees and poof the man now is a 4 handicap, but his wife is now a scratch golf. "for my next wish i wish for $10 million in cash" and the genie agrees, and poof the man has 10 million in cash right in front of him, but the wife now has 20 million.. " and for my third wish" the man says holding his putter " I want you to take this club and beat me half to death with it"